Sunday, December 28, 2008

Do you love me, or do you not? You told me once, but I forgot.

Alright, I have been thinking a lot today, in case you all couldn't tell. I just seemto have a lot of thoughts bouncing around in my head, and I want to get them out.

For some reason, I don't feel all that loved, and I think I know why. I don't fully love myself. I have been unlucky in the relationship department the last 18 years of my life, and so I don't like opening up. Whenever I open up to anyone, it seems to blow up in my face.

Anyways, lately I have been keeping a lot inside of me to prevent the people around me from getting hurt. My number one weakness is seeing someone get upset by something I did. That is why I stick in things I shouldn't for so long, and attempt to help those who are "unhelpable", if you will. I just can't stand seeing someone get hurt.

So, there are certain things inside my mind that will probably stay there for a while, but I know that I need to say them. Not only is it hurting me to keep them inside, but it is hurting those around me. I know that by keeping "me" hidden, I am not allowing anyone to see me, and they will never know ME! I always say I want to be loved for me, but I always seem to hide the real me from everyone I meet, with a few exceptions. Then I sit at home and feel bad because no one really knows me.

So, here's me. I snort when I laugh, it's what I do. I get jealous for no reason. I don't like to clean, but if you piss me off, the room will be spotless. I like Disney movies soooo much! I sometimes wish my life could be a Disney movie. Give me a camera, and you will make my day. I love taking pictures of nature, I am not all that good with people. I blog a little too much, but that is something I love to do. I try to be as loyal as possible, but if you screw with me, you will be gone. I am a happy person, but I can be a b***h if needed. No one likes to be around me during "that time of the month." My mood swings can be severe sometimes. I love easily, and that makes my heartbreaks even worse. I will love you, no matter what. I don't judge, because I have no room to. Everyone makes mistakes, and I am no different. I have made so many mistakes, but I know that Heavenly Father will forgive me for all of them. Family and Friends are my life. Mess with them, you will have to deal with me. I love my religion. It helps me through everything. Temples are the greatest, followed by BYU-Idaho. The Spirit is so strong there, and I just love the feeling. I don't like showing how I really feel. I will always try to have a smile on my face, no matter what happens. I like to eat... a lot. But at college I don't really eat because I don't feel like it. Sometimes, I don't feel like doing a single thing. It's just how I feel, and you shouldn't change it. I hate it when people try to change my mind. It won't work, so don't try. I used to think that I would be a great person when I got older, but now I am not sure. I don't know anything about the future, but I do know that my past will help me learn for my future. I try to laugh at least once a day. Laughing helps me. I know when to joke and when to be serious. I love to be complimented, it makes me feel like someone out there does care about me. Don't tell me you love me unless you mean it, because I don't say it unless I mean it. I know that some of the decisions I have made were ridiculously dumb, but all I can do is learn from them. I wonder if I will be able to find a good Mormon guy who will love me for me and marry me in the temple. That has always been my dream, and that is the one dream that I will not stray away from. I want to be a mother more than anything else in the world. I can't wait to have children and raise them. I love dolphins and hot weather. My favorite colors are black and pink. I love action movies, and dancing. I sometimes dance in my underwear in my room. I like to sing out loud, no matter if it sounds good or not. Music is something that needs to be in my life, or I am not complete. I still sleep with a stuffed animal, and with the light on. I am deathly afraid of the dark, but I am learning to not be so afraid of it. I suck at taking tests. I just am not good at it. I can't live without my phone. I seriously go through withdrawls if it isn't working right. I really do love life, but sometimes it gets so ugly that I wonder what the point is. I have been suicidal and depressed, but I got over it. I did take medication for it, but then I thought to myself, "You can get over this. You don't need to deal with this." I have been off medication for 4 months and counting. I want to visit Australia and Puerto Rico more than anything else. Sometimes I can be an easy person to read, and sometimes you will wonder how anyone can understand me. I do not like shopping all that much. Unless I know what I am going to buy, I hate it. I like to get dressed up some days, and some days I just want to stay in bed with my sweatpants and a T-shirt. I love Guitar Hero. I am still afraid of growing up. I hear i give good massages. I like to fly, I just don't like take off or landing. Give me a paper crane with wings that move and I will be entertained for the whole day. I am easily amused. I do not like being used at all. Tell me the truth from the get-go, and things will be way better. I like to dye and cut my hair... A LOT!!

Um... I am running out of things to say. I think that covers a lot about me, though. If you read this whole thing, I will be in shock. LoL it is just another thing that I wanted to get off my chest. After writing this, I really do feel a lot better...

Love <3


Matthew said...

Symone, you should never feel unloved. anyone who meets you can't help but to love you, you're a fun and energetic and hilarious and and just an AMAZING person, so dont EVER feel alone, your family and friends will always be there for you. love ya! -Matt E.

Trent said...

Symone, THAT WAS AWESOME!!!!! A bunch of the things you said to describe yourself remind me of my self. This post made my night! thanks for sharing your blog!

Trent N.

Jennifer said...

Hey Symone, It's Jennifer.

You need to know this. You are very loved! And you are seriously one of my favorite people. Your advice and kindness helps me through tough times more than you know! Your personality is so unique and genuine. You and I are so alike, it's like we are sisters. I am very choosy when it comes to friends. I am told I am a good judge of character. I also can't live without my phone. I sleep with a stuffed lion. Maybe that is why we get along so well...because we are so alike and share the same interests.

I don't tell many people this, and I am probably going to regret posting it on the net for the world to see, but I, too, have been suicidal. I know how you feel, you can talk to me ANYTIME.

Speaking of talking, I am sure my mom and I's situation isn't as severe as I make it sound...I don't mean to make it sound horrible. It could be worse. I am sorry I have dumped all of that on you, I shouldn't have.

Thanks again for all you have done, and if I ever said anything that hurt you, please tell me, and I will do my best to fix it.

Love you Chica. You are truly an amazing, real friend, and don't you forget it!

Aaron said...

Wow i didn't kno it was like that for u. Wen i sey F life n all that other stuff i'm on only playin. sometimes i do get depressed but i get ova it. i guess i love attention. but u dnt need to sey kno one cares for u...i care for u a lot. n them three do to n so do many more. if u were seriously hurt like gun down...i would be reall really pissed off. i would fly all the way out there jus to find who did it n catch a case for n also visit u. u r a long time fren n u give me courage to keep goin at the hardest times.

Vicki said...

I've know you for, what, 2 months? Maybe? I know we aren't all that close because we haven't spent much time together, but I trust you completely. You're amazing, Symone. I'm stoked to get back to Rexburg in a few days and see you and Chelsie. We will all take care of each other. :D Oh, and I read it all.

Familia Peña said...

I love you Mone!