Alright, I have been thinking a lot today, in case you all couldn't tell. I just seemto have a lot of thoughts bouncing around in my head, and I want to get them out.
For some reason, I don't feel all that loved, and I think I know why. I don't fully love myself. I have been unlucky in the relationship department the last 18 years of my life, and so I don't like opening up. Whenever I open up to anyone, it seems to blow up in my face.
Anyways, lately I have been keeping a lot inside of me to prevent the people around me from getting hurt. My number one weakness is seeing someone get upset by something I did. That is why I stick in things I shouldn't for so long, and attempt to help those who are "unhelpable", if you will. I just can't stand seeing someone get hurt.
So, there are certain things inside my mind that will probably stay there for a while, but I know that I need to say them. Not only is it hurting me to keep them inside, but it is hurting those around me. I know that by keeping "me" hidden, I am not allowing anyone to see me, and they will never know ME! I always say I want to be loved for me, but I always seem to hide the real me from everyone I meet, with a few exceptions. Then I sit at home and feel bad because no one really knows me.
So, here's me. I snort when I laugh, it's what I do. I get jealous for no reason. I don't like to clean, but if you piss me off, the room will be spotless. I like Disney movies soooo much! I sometimes wish my life could be a Disney movie. Give me a camera, and you will make my day. I love taking pictures of nature, I am not all that good with people. I blog a little too much, but that is something I love to do. I try to be as loyal as possible, but if you screw with me, you will be gone. I am a happy person, but I can be a b***h if needed. No one likes to be around me during "that time of the month." My mood swings can be severe sometimes. I love easily, and that makes my heartbreaks even worse. I will love you, no matter what. I don't judge, because I have no room to. Everyone makes mistakes, and I am no different. I have made so many mistakes, but I know that Heavenly Father will forgive me for all of them. Family and Friends are my life. Mess with them, you will have to deal with me. I love my religion. It helps me through everything. Temples are the greatest, followed by BYU-Idaho. The Spirit is so strong there, and I just love the feeling. I don't like showing how I really feel. I will always try to have a smile on my face, no matter what happens. I like to eat... a lot. But at college I don't really eat because I don't feel like it. Sometimes, I don't feel like doing a single thing. It's just how I feel, and you shouldn't change it. I hate it when people try to change my mind. It won't work, so don't try. I used to think that I would be a great person when I got older, but now I am not sure. I don't know anything about the future, but I do know that my past will help me learn for my future. I try to laugh at least once a day. Laughing helps me. I know when to joke and when to be serious. I love to be complimented, it makes me feel like someone out there does care about me. Don't tell me you love me unless you mean it, because I don't say it unless I mean it. I know that some of the decisions I have made were ridiculously dumb, but all I can do is learn from them. I wonder if I will be able to find a good Mormon guy who will love me for me and marry me in the temple. That has always been my dream, and that is the one dream that I will not stray away from. I want to be a mother more than anything else in the world. I can't wait to have children and raise them. I love dolphins and hot weather. My favorite colors are black and pink. I love action movies, and dancing. I sometimes dance in my underwear in my room. I like to sing out loud, no matter if it sounds good or not. Music is something that needs to be in my life, or I am not complete. I still sleep with a stuffed animal, and with the light on. I am deathly afraid of the dark, but I am learning to not be so afraid of it. I suck at taking tests. I just am not good at it. I can't live without my phone. I seriously go through withdrawls if it isn't working right. I really do love life, but sometimes it gets so ugly that I wonder what the point is. I have been suicidal and depressed, but I got over it. I did take medication for it, but then I thought to myself, "You can get over this. You don't need to deal with this." I have been off medication for 4 months and counting. I want to visit Australia and Puerto Rico more than anything else. Sometimes I can be an easy person to read, and sometimes you will wonder how anyone can understand me. I do not like shopping all that much. Unless I know what I am going to buy, I hate it. I like to get dressed up some days, and some days I just want to stay in bed with my sweatpants and a T-shirt. I love Guitar Hero. I am still afraid of growing up. I hear i give good massages. I like to fly, I just don't like take off or landing. Give me a paper crane with wings that move and I will be entertained for the whole day. I am easily amused. I do not like being used at all. Tell me the truth from the get-go, and things will be way better. I like to dye and cut my hair... A LOT!!
Um... I am running out of things to say. I think that covers a lot about me, though. If you read this whole thing, I will be in shock. LoL it is just another thing that I wanted to get off my chest. After writing this, I really do feel a lot better...