Monday, November 9, 2009

Thoughts never cease

"Our greatest fear is not that we are inadequate, but that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that frightens us. We ask ourselves, 'Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, handsome, talented and fabulous?' Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We were born to make manifest the glory of God within us. It is not just in some; it is in everyone. And, as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our fear, our presence automatically liberates others." - Nelson Mandela

This quote was said in Akeelah and the Bee which was showing on The Disney Channel yesterday. This quote shows that I am not afraid of growing up, of making decisions. The thing I am most afraid of is ME! I don't feel, right now, that I am gorgeous, or brilliant, or fabulous. I don't feel like I deserve anyone to date or marry since I am not the best person. I am still as closed off as I was a year ago, even if I feel that I have changed. Don't get me wrong, I know that I have grown, that I have changed, that things will get better. But, why does life have to be so hard? Why did I do the things that I did? Why did I allow myself to be broken?

I hate you. I hate everything you put me through. I hate you for making me feel like I HAD to do something, when really I didn't. I hate you for saying that you loved me, and for me believing it. I hate you for breaking me, but the thing I hate the most is that I can't hate you at all. I can't bring myself to hate you, or anyone else who has, or will, hurt me. I just wish that things had happened different.

Life, my friends, can be hard. It can be tough, sorrowful, and make you want to scream. But, life is also beautiful. Life can bring joy, happiness, fun, and make you want to scream from the buildings that you love life! Time will tell what happens to me, but I sure hope that I can get better, and that I can find someone who will help me feel good, that I will help him feel good, and that we can lift each other and get closer to God with each other. That's what I need. But, for right now, I will focus on my relationship with my Heavenly Father. That is the one and only relationship I need right now.

Help me get through this, Lord. I know I'm probably making it harder than it needs to be, but with your help, that will change.

Sorry for the random blog. It just needed to come out.


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