Sunday, November 14, 2010

Word Vomit?

Back in December 2008, I wrote a blog all about me at the time.  It's amazing to see what has stayed the same, and what has changed.

Readers, my life has changed a lot more than I ever thought possible.  I saw some of the things coming, but most of what has happened during the last year of my life I never could have imagined happening to me or anyone else, for that matter.  That makes some days hard.

But, with each passing day, I am getting better.  Stronger.  I realize now that everything truly does happen for a reason.  Some happen for you to learn from.  Some, to help get you out of bad situations.  Some, just to bring happiness and strength to you.

To be completely honest, I never knew if I would get to where I am right now.  I just... didn't know how to be my best self.  I didn't know how to change the things in my life I knew I needed to in order to truly get better.  But it's amazing how much power and happiness can come from not trying to get through things by yourself.  In order to get through the trials I was facing, I needed to lean on many people, the main person being my Heavenly Father.  With all their help, I was able to get past things, and begin the process of being... Me.  Not the me everyone wanted to be, but the me I knew was waiting to come out.

To get to this point, one thing I needed to do was just let go.  Let go of my pain, let go of the bad, let go of those holding me back.  Another thing was to move on.  I can't help everyone, no matter how much I think I can.  I can only do my best, and then move on if nothing changes.  Another thing was to work on getting better.  To be a better person.  It's hard to not sit around and mope about the past, but I have learned that, if I want to be better, I need to just learn from the past and look to the future.

There are many more things that I have had to do in order to make myself better, but I won't go into detail about everything.

Today was a pretty rocky day.  I spent a good chunk of time looking at old pictures, reading old blogs, and just thinking about how so much can change in such a short amount of time.  It really is amazing to me how someone can be in one path of life and then completely change their path, some for the better, some for the worse.  I, hopefully, am on a path for the better.  I would like to believe that I am, but you never know.  I do know, though, that what has happened in my past will NEVER happen again.  I won't allow it.  I will not be lead to believe impossible truths.  I will not be forced to do what I don't want to.  And I will not allow myself to feel guilty for doing things that I enjoy doing.

Everything that I do from here on out will be for me.  Not because someone wants me to, not because I think others want me to do it, but because I really feel like doing it.

I am not gonna lie, it's been kinda hard to not be scared about things.  Feelings, events, everything.  I just don't know how to deal with various things, and not allowing them to make me... stress.  Don't get me wrong, I like feeling this way.  I like being happy.  I am just afraid that it is all going to blow up in my face, I suppose. That's what has happened in the past to me one too many times, so it is hard to not think that it will happen this time.  I sure hope it doesn't, because that would really suck.

Through it all, though, there are still a lot of things that I love and am thankful for.  It's hard to be pessimistic in a world where I keep finding things to love and cherish.  Most days, I am an optimist.  Don't get me wrong, there are days where I just want to hide under a rock and never come out, but most of the time I can see the beauty in things around me.  Can you?  I know, it's hard, but if you look hard enough, you can find something to love and be thankful for.

I love my family.  I love my roommates.  I love my friends.  I love my religion.  I love the truths that it has taught me.  I love the help that I am able to give and receive.  I am thankful for people who are willing to listen when I really just need to talk.  I am thankful for a place like Rexburg, Idaho, where I can feel safe at any time of the day.  I am thankful for my Savior, and the sacrifice He made so that I can have a happy, spirit-filled life while here on Earth and after I die.  It's amazing to me that someone wanted to sacrifice His life for the love He felt for me, for my roommates, for my family, for anyone who has lived, is living, and will live on this Earth.  What a wonderful gift.

No matter what, my life is beautiful.  It truly is.  There is no way that I can deny that fact, especially with the progress that I have made so far in my life.  I have a family who loves and supports me.  I have friends who love and support me as well.  I have faith in my church, and it brings me comfort.  And I know that, even through the darkest times of my life, these things will always be there.  No matter what, these will be constant things in my life.

This is a lot of word vomit, I know.  There have just been a lot of things on my mind, and I have finally found a way to get most of the things out.  I sure hope you don't mind this blog.  There was just a lot that needed to come out.

I still have a lot more, but that will have to wait until another day. :)


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